Saying Goodbye

My beautiful Shane died yesterday at 8 AM, just nine days shy of his 48th birthday. The kindest and best of men, a devoted husband and father—-he lived great but quietly so.

He told me many times that he had only five reasons to go on living---me, Sage, Micah, Haven, and Jacob. He wanted to live, he wanted months and years with us, but it was not to be.

2021 was an unbearably painful year for our family. And yet it was transcendent, even sublime at times, filled with the deepest love, trust, support from steadfast family and friends, miracles, divine guidance and the assurance, the unshakeable knowledge that all is well and all will be well.

After nearly 19 years of marriage, Shane is woven into every part of who I am. Now that I’ve said my final goodbye to his body, I feel that a part of me is gone, as though I lost a limb or an eye. I will never be the same and I don’t wish to ever be the same.

My beloved gave me three children and his parting gift was our fourth, Jacob, three weeks old today. The exact right gift at the exact right moment.

My mantra this year: I can’t go on, I’ll go on. I’m not sure how our little family will bear the loss of Shane but I know we will. All will be well. We will see Shane again.